Seriously, like, we still have no idea who you are or why we continue to see you on TV. Well, apart from the latest news that is.

You were the original "no one to someone", before Paris Hilton made it cool. There was always something about seeing you after those first few commercials.

At first, there was a story. You ate sandwiches, and you lost weight. It qualifies for a generous kudos, maybe as a light human interest story in some PM news show. When you couch the story in a marketing campaign, it's less moving. It's less a triumph and more of the guy in the crowd who vouches for the snake oil's health benefits.

And then you kept on appearing on TV. Yes, I get it, you have a healthy BMI and want us to eat your sandwiches. Loud and clear. Occasionally you appeared outside of ads, and it was a friggin' mystery. You managed to foster your one, marginally impressive story into 15 years of product marketing and get rich in the process. I remember when Subway had all the Olympians doing their ads, these finely tuned athletes promoting the "healthier subway lifestyle", and then it'd cut to your doughy, pale mid-western image without any segway. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I too would look doughy standing next to Apolo Ohno.

It'll be hard to get an accurate read at this point on the work done by the Jared Foundation. I don't want to besmirch an organization if it does good work and isn't a vessel for building personal presence and wealth. What I know is, good or not, it appears an extension of all the work you did to remain a celebrity-esque public figure for Subway. And if you dig to its core, it was all for something you achieved in 1999. No parade should last that long.

I won't say it's "comeupins", but part of the schadenfreude thrill in seeing you stepping down as head sandwich shiller is our public fatigue with your presence. Trust me, folks would be thrilled to see Paris Hilton in some similarly terrible news story, just as we did with the Duggars, Jon & Kate + 8, and other unnecessarily popularized figures. In your case, I hope you find help eventually (assuming we can imply the worst from your guilty plea), and that some day you find a new path.

And if one day you don't have a media following, stick with it. You can join us in mocking everyone else chasing cheap attention.

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